Same me, just older

I wish I loved myself

I wish I was confident

I wish I had self-esteem

I wish I could stick up for myself 

I wish I wasn't such a pushover

I wish I was beautiful 

I wish someone besides my family loved me

I wish I was desirable

I wish someone wanted to kiss me

I wish I was popular

I wish I'd stop crying

I wish I was happy 

How do I get there?

Trying something new (check the side bar). I'm going to wait a few weeks to weigh myself. I'll check back with you May 15th with an update. I just want this time to not stress about wanting to bring you some good news...XO.

Got my period, hoo-fucking-ray. I'm kinda regretting stopping the pill, it seems to come more frequently now. Restricting again, but the weight loss is minimal. Nothing works anymore. Must take more pills.

Had an awful binge, which involved a full box of girl scout cookies. Damn those little bitches. My hatred of my body just drives everyone away. I don't know how I can recover from this.

Another 2oz gained after less than 600 calories + no eating after 3:30pm + Zumba class in the evening. My body does not respect me, so I will no longer respect it. I'm adding back the OxyElite pro pills and laxies to the mix. Also..more water. I've updated my eating regime on the sidebar. I just need to keep cutting back. I hate being out around people being this fucking big. I felt like the heaviest girl at the bowling party tonight. I'm just the fat, silly girl. I just wanted to disappear. So much for 139..must get to 130 by the end of this month.

XO.

My body decided to gain 2oz this morning for no apparent reason. I did the same thing I was doing all last week, where I was losing about 1 lb a day. So back at 143.4 right now, even those I was 143.2 on Monday and hoping to at 142.x this morning. So I really don't feel optimistic about getting out of the 140s this week, especially since I'm going to a management bowling party tomorrow night and then happy hour on Thursday night. It's a weird week, I'm usually never social outside of work hours. The routine is: work, come home, grab a diet Dr. Pepper and lay on the futon while watching Intervention episodes on eating disorders on Netflix / watching cartoons / browsing weightloss blogs and thinspo. About 2-3 times a week, exercise is thrown into the mix. I don't talk to another living soul except my parents. This week I have to put on a happy face and be social...and hopefully not eat too much. I've really been very good when out and about. It seems like my body is just extra sensitive to a daily intake that's higher than 600 calories. It sucks! Well I went to Zumba tonight and I'm having some senna leaf tea, so I hope that gets me close to 141.x tomorrow. Ugh, why is this taking so long!?

XO.

I've been promoted to a supervisor!! Hooray! More money and responsibility!