Day 4

Fuck. 2.4lb loss for today. 5oz short of the 20s. At least now I only have to lose at lease 2lbs a day to get to 124 by Friday. I'm now 6oz ahead of schedule. Here's what I did:

Day 3: 32oz lemonade, 30min running, 2 Hydroxycut pills, 1 iodine pill, 500ml Fiji water

Perhaps the extra water did it, but I don't want to fear water, our bodies actually need that shit dude. I have this horrible feeling that I will absolutely hate my body forever, that my thighs will always be the size of tree trunks, that I will always have a flabby tummy, that my arms will always jiggle, that my butt will always be too saggy. The numbers are changing for the better, but I can't see it in the mirror. I hate having to go outside for classes, or to the store, library, anywhere. I absolutely hate being seen, and seeing other people. Everyone eats, that's all they do. Even the skinny girls. I just saw a skinny coming from starbucks with a drink in one hand, and that lil brown bag in the other. She got an edible good from starbucks. There is nothing in that glass case that is healthy for you. And she was so skinny. If I smell food I swear I gain 2oz.

As of right now, I'm not happy about anything, only about going home is weekend. The horrible thing is I get really depressed at school, which leads me to starve, then I get so depressed I want to go home, I get home and I'm happier, but I eat and gain, then I come back to school and I'm just as depressed. It sucks. But I won't gain this time at home, or ever again. I will maintain, maintain, maintain. I just want to be happy with myself. God I wish I was invisible I hate when people look at me.

On a slightly more positive note, I'm halfway thru with my fast. 3 days gone and exactly 9lbs lost. I only need 6 more. Gym tonight. Don't think, just do it. XO.