Everyone else

Everyone is always eating, stuffing their faces. Not all of them are skinny, but some are and it gets me so pissed. Then I go to the gym and it seems like I the fattest chick there. Well, that does serve as good motivation though. But sometimes I just start to cry when I'm exercising, looking at all the skinny girls, then looking at my jiggling thighs as they shake when I run. I feel pathetic.

So I've decided to change my calorie intake max from 800 to 550. I think my body doesn't respond and lose weight as much when I eat more, even if I exercise all of it away. Which fucking sucks, but I'll do whatever to get this fat off of me.

I just feel heavy. Again, it could be my period, but still. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be 129 tomorrow, probably low 130s. And when I did this last time, I lost 2 to 3lbs a day. If I'm in the low 30s tomorrow, I've only been losing about 1lb a day. I actually started at 139 on Monday...I know, it's horrible, let it go. Well it really doesn't matter because I'm just going to keep going to the gym and eating whole, non processed foods (except for my skinny cow, popcorn and soup on weekends) until I'm 124lbs. Then I can have rice and cheese...I'm so excited.

I've noticed that I need to reteach myself how to eat normally, when I'm in situations where I just need to be a normal human being. If I'm home for the weekend, I don't need to eat a whole loaf of bread or 3 different foods for dinner. I need to eat normally, around 1,200 calories w/ exercise of course. Then I can maintain or only gain 1lb, not 10lbs.

Additional add-ins, I'm going to start having a cup of cold Yerba Mate tea in the morning, after my workout. It gives you energy and I need that to get through the day after burning so much. It'll also be a good distraction from food. I also plan to have 1 bottle of Kombucha tea every few days in the morning. It just really helps the body stay strong. Lastly, I'm going to add cayenne pepper and lemon juice to my water, boosts your metabolism. Hopefully these little things will make a difference and get me deep into the 20s sooner than later.

I hope everything is going well with all of you! Stay positive, spring is on its way! XO.