Sunday, November 21, 2010

hate myself

I just don't understand why other people get to eat and I don't. Everyone's just stuffing their faces all the fucking time and if I even look at food I gain weight. Yesterday wasn't the best day: ate Amy's dish for 150, popcorn for 100, almonds for 100, then had a hamburger and 2 hotdog buns around 6pm for probs 400 calories, sprite zero around 10pm, then some of my housemate's penne vodka and mini slice of chocolate cake for probs 300 calories around 2:30am. Total of 1050 calories yesterday? Really didn't feel like it, I just can't eat anything. I don't understand how I'm not losing weight b/c if I was back in my old habits I would be eating 2x or 3x more food everyday. I also haven't "gone to the bathroom in 6 days." Did a little bit today, and I mean a little bit. I feel like I'm over due and could seriously lose 3 pounds if I just went to the bathroom. Nothing seems to be moving in my tummy tho. May go get some laxatives tomorrow. Only had 70 calories today w/ rice pudding, a bunch of dandelion and peppermint tea to help my tummy, and a diet dr. pepper just 1 hour ago. I wanted to have a frozen dinner for dinner, but I just weighed myself and I'm 147.8...HOW?! How can I gain 2 pounds in 1 day? I know I went over in my calories, but I just feel that I'm always hungry, I've cut my calories by 2x, 3x what they used to be, and I'm moving around a lot btwn classes and extracurricular stuff. I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow I think. Hopefully that helps, but I didn't want to sweat out my hair b/c I want it to look nice for my family when I go home for the holiday. Also gonna start taking some diet pills tomorrow. Hope they don't hurt my stomach. Guess I'm not gonna be 143 tomorrow. Maybe 144? So unhappy right now, I just hate my body and I don't know what to do to make myself pretty. Gonna do some squats on my bosu ball while watching the football game tonight. Debating if I should eat an Asian pear. Just wanna get my bowels moving! Sorry to be gross but I have to be backed up or something. You know what, no pear tonight. Just hate myself, staying out of the kitchen. Total of 70 calories today.

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