Why? WHY?! These past few days my net calories have been quite low, but it seems that my body won't allow me to actually intake 1,000 or more calories and still lose weight, even if I burn half or more of those ingested calories on the treadmill. That's just unfair! So Wednesday morning, after having eaten 850 calories and burning 400 of them on the ellipitical on Tuesday, I weighed in at 141.6. Like seriously? This morning, after eating under 600 calories and NOT exercising, I am 140.4. I'm so mad, even though I know this is more than 1 pound of a loss. I just really wanted to be in the 30s by now and it seems like I can't get out of the 40s! I hate the 40s! Hahaha even tho I was so happy to be in them once I slide out of the 50s. Ugh that was so easy, now it takes me 1 week to lose a pound. I might as well be eating! But if I did eat regularly, I would binge. My regular eating is binging basically. My stomach doesn't seem to get full and I really enjoy food. But recently, like right before starting to restrict, I wouldn't even taste the food I was eating. I would just shovel it in. I believe my highest weight has been 160, but I've never really been one to weigh myself on a steady basis, just usually at the doctor's office.
I'm surprised restricting so much hasn't been more painful for me, since I'm usually used to eating around 3,000 calories a day. I would just maintain around 155 by exercising a lot, which I enjoy. But it gets frustrating exercising a lot and not seeing any progress. Sometimes I miss having a substantial meal, but I quickly get over it. I just look at most of the girls around me at Penn. Everyone's so small...Btw I really love my cute lil haircut w/ the bangs, but I need to continue losing these extra 20 pounds before it looks perfect! I still look cute tho :)
Ok major problem tonight: my frat (it's called a frat b/c its co-ed) is having its semi-formal tonight. I really don't want to go, but I'm the person who organized it so I have to. We have this tradition of going to Five Burgers (a burger place) before the party in our fancy clothes and getting dinner. I looked on their website at the nutritional facts...there is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn't feel bad about eating there. It's so horrible, especially b/c I remember stuffing my face there last semester w/ my friends and then going to open bar at the club and drinking myself into a daze. If I was my normal self, I would get a double bacon cheeseburger, w/ bbq sauce, mushrooms, onions and jalapenos and then an order of fries and a Sprite (regular soda). OMG that's like 1,000 calories for the dinner, than probs another 1,000 from drinking so much (I really like Long Islands, but that's like 400 calories a glass)! What a disgusting fat ass I was...I was trying to ponder what I should eat there: should I get a little hamburger (which is just 1 patty on a bun) with no toppings? What about a grilled cheese or veggie burger? No, no, no. These are all still over 500 calories each. I'm gonna get myself a Diet Coke and not stress about eating. Hopefully I'll get there late, I have a meeting at 6pm and my friends want to leave at 7:30. With the time of the meeting and getting ready I probably won't make it on time :) But wait a second..my 6pm meeting is also a dinner meeting, FML! Why won't life just leave me to rot in my room alone, away from food! I don't know where we're going yet, but I think I'm going to say that I just had some pizza in my last class, b/c my teacher got us food for the last day of class. Ugh I hate having to eat when I really don't want to. I'm gonna try to leave early or something, but definitely not eating more than 200 calories there. Hopefully at the club tonight I won't have to drink a lot of alcohol calories to get drunk b/c I haven't much in my tummy. AH THIS DAY SUCKS!
So far had multigrain cereal (110) and a skinny caramel latte (90). I swear I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep the day away after my class ends at 2:30. But no, I have to fucking deal with people. I have really come to hate social gatherings, even tho I'm a social butterfly. Why does everyone think we need food to be social? Ugh I can't tell you how stressed I am about the rest of today. So scared! Going to stick to no more than 4 drinks tonight (semi is really the time when we get crazy) so vodka/tonic or gin/tonic or rum/diet coke. Around 100 calories each. And if I get too drunk, then I'll throw up and get rid of any food in my tummy! Oh that's kinda a weirdly exciting thought..but I can't make myself throw up unless I'm nauseous, and I can't sleep if my head's spinning I've just gotta throw it up. Oh I really want that to happen now...
AH sorry this is long but I have a lot on my mind today. I really want to see 139.x tomorrow morning. I'M SO CLOSE! I'm gonna dance extra hard at semi tonight so I can burn a lot of calories!!