Saturday, April 23, 2011


with food, liquid, self-loathing. I've been stressing and its been leading to outrageous binges. Now from reading your blogs, it seems like a "binge" to most of you is 1,000 calories. No. I'm talking probably 5,000 calories binges for the day. And I can't get it out. I've tried several times. I just gag and spit. I push on my stomach, jump up and down, drink tons of water with my food. Nothing works, I'm not a purger...which kinda sucks when you're a binger.

I just need to breath. This was relaxing and stable when I was working my way from 155 into the 130s. Now, trying to solidly be in the 120s is murder. I'm so anxious and stressed about everything. I was driving out of Philly yesterday to get to Princeton to look at apartments, and I got stuck in about 30 minutes of traffic coming out of the city. I just started crying and screaming in my car over it. I was just freaking out. I need to relax and take back control. When I feel like I loose control over anything it will reflect onto my eating habits. It's dangerous.

So I decided to erase my weight goal dates. When it happens, it happens. This may seem to nonchalant to some, but I'll finally be able to stay at the low weights I reach. Instead of destroying myself with fasting and magnesium citrate the day before I'm supposed to reach a certain weight, I can just continue with my routine of restricting and steadily lose. I've also decided not to count calories anymore. I've developed a serious love/hate relationship with numbers and it's become overwhelming. I'll see how this change goes over the next few weeks. I don't want it to make me less accountable to myself and you all.

Alas, here we are. I don't know my weight right now, but I know it's not good. I'm home for Easter weekend, which is never good. I graduate about 3 weeks, and I want to be firmly in the low 120s. I looked so beautiful at 127, I can only imagine my radiance 5 or more pounds lighter. 117 is still the goal, as of now. I can't help but feel that I'll want to weight 108 or 109 in the end. I want to be a size yea, we'll see.

Thank you all for sticking by me! I'm struggling to climb back on the horse but I'll get there. I'll be back at school on Monday and I'm ready to start the Fat Flush Diet, which is basically low carb, low cal and focused on flushing cellulite out of the body. Great for the coming summer! I really love you all and hope all is going well. XO.


  1. Thank you for commenting on my blog... it's nice to find someone with the same goal. I think I may try a liquid or water fast on Thursday to really get my weight to drop - thanks for the suggestion.

  2. i feel ya... maybe its in the air, i ate more in the last couple of days vs the last week... well stick in there and remember our ultimate goal!!! This will be a good week... we should go for 5 lbs by saturday... good luck...